i need an iv and a liver transplant
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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