weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
