I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
