i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
