There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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