I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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