1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
