Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
