i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
