I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
