Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
We have so much sex to catch up on
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