i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
