wrigley field is MILF paradise
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
