wrigley field is MILF paradise
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
