Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
