you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
