listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Randomize
