two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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