I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
