Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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