made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
