Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
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Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
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I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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