But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
