Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
