his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
