I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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