if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I deserve this hangover.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
