He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
