Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
