Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
