i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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