there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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