mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
