There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
