oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
