you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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