i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
