I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
