I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
