I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
