Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
