ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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