good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Randomize
