wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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