Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.