I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
