my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
