John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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