either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
