U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
