i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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