i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
