dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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