You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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