1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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