he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
