How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
