Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
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